Volkswagen Owner’s Credo

(Raise your right hand and repeat after me):

I am a Volkswagen owner, and solemnly swear to:

• Make sure that my valves are adjusted by myself, each and every 5,000km or 3 months, whichever comes first.

• Change the oil by myself, every 5,000km or every three months, whichever comes first.

• Occasionally thumb my nose at the various ‘quickie’ oil/lube places when I pass them by.

• Never race or lug the engine on uphills or downhills.

• Lay awake at night, thinking about what that noise was when I drove home from work yesterday.

• Include something about VWs in almost every conversation with my SO (Significant Other).

• Take the nagging, cursing and screaming that my SO gives me for the previously mentioned act.

• For at least 10 minutes every week, I will lay on my back underneath my VW, talking to it and myself and contemplating future maintenance and modification of it.

• Make sure that my greasy garage cloths are kept separate from the rest of the laundry.

• Have at least three manuals devoted to my VW’s model year

• Keep my greasy mitts off my SO’s clean towels.

• Be damn sure to wear my ‘car working’ clothes and not my good ones when I proceed to do ANY work on my VW.

• I will keep a set of ‘car working’ clothes or overalls in my VW at all times for emergency repair work.

• I will keep a tube or tub of hand-cleaner in my VW at all times.

• That the top ten items on my Christmas/Birthday/Anniversary list are VW-related.

• At least 3 of my shirts and hats have some kind of VW emblem on them.

• I know all of the VW parts and service shops in town, and have memorised all of their phone numbers.

• Own a torque wrench and understand how to use it.

• Keep a record book of my VW’s maintenance history.

• Keep pictures of my VW in the family photo album, occasionally with pictures of family etc.

• Learn to keep a spare clutch cable in my VW.

• Show that service record and photo album to everyone who visits, as if were pictures of a brand new baby (only better).

• Explain to my SO that my VW IS my baby.

• Learn to recite in my head my VW’s entire maintenance schedule so I can do it while brushing my teeth.

• Know that there is no such thing as ‘borrowing oil’.

• Know exactly how many miles I have left to drive before I run out of gas.

• Have all the necessary parts and tools ready for when (if) I break down.

• Know all the phone numbers you need to call if you can’t fix it.

• Learn how to sleep in my VW.

• Learn how to push my VW.

• Learn how to drive my VW with a broken clutch cable.

• Make sure the top five phone numbers on all my phone lists are VW-related.

• My desk at work has VW related items on it.

• My computer at work has a scanned picture of my VW as background wallpaper.

• Make sure that when anyone at work has a problem with their VW, or want to buy one, or even want to know about them, I am the first person they ask.

• Ensure that the work lunch room has plenty of VW magazines to balance the boring New Ideas and Women's Weekly.

• Be the only one to add or take fluids to or from my VW, and only the best stuff at that.

• Insist, when pulled over by the cops, that my VW couldn’t possibly have been going that fast.

• When the cop looks in the engine bay, mention that the engine is completely stock, even those twin Webers that were a special rare factory fitting for VWs sold in Pooncarie.

• When replacing the muffler, keep the urge to go for a drive up the road without an exhaust down to only a couple of trips.

• When the neighbours keep me awake at night with a loud party, I will use the following morning at 7am to remove my exhaust and check the RPM limit.

• And finally, understand that I am a VW nut and not everyone understands why I eat, drink, breathe, stink and sleep Volkswagens. I only accept that I do, and therefore will act and behave accordingly.